Haircut

A fuckwit of a hairdresser completely ruined my hair today.  I went in with an adorable angled curly bob with a stacked-wedge back.  It took me YEARS to find a style I liked this much.  And in 10 minutes it was chopped all to hell by an idiot who never should have been let near a pair of scissors. 

I told her I was there for a trim. A TRIM. “Just shape it back up – it’s gotten a little too shaggy.”  She assured me she knew exactly what I wanted.   She further assured me, once she had wet my hair down, that she could see the exact shape of my cut.  Again, she knew exactly what I wanted.

Holy fuck.  My bangs are now 2″ long.  And since my hair is naturally curly, they curl tightly up into my hairline like a poodle.  But here’s the kicker – I DIDN’T FUCKING HAVE BANGS WHEN I WALKED IN TODAY!!!!  My hair in front was down past my nose – it curled into long ringlets that I let fall to the sides of my face.  ALL. GONE. NOW.

 And that’s just my “bangs.”  The whole top of my head isn’t much longer.  My shortest (top) layer started out around the top of my ears (when dry & curly – probably down to the bottom of my ears when wet & straight).  Stupid bitch cut at least 3″ off.   Now I’m left with tight poodle curls all over the top of my head.

I’ve been crying for 5 hours now.  I’m absolutely sick over this.  I have to get my goddamn driver’s license picture taken in a few weeks so I’ll get to live with this horror for the next 7 years.  My 40th birthday is 1 month from tomorrow – I get to go to my own party looking like a fucking poodle.

I’m too sad and sick and disgusted to write about anything else today, except to quickly shatter another fat-people-myth.  When I’m an emotional wreck, like I am at this moment, I can’t even think about eating.  The very thought of food makes me want to puke.  The notion that all fat people are emotional overeaters is bullshit. 

Food Restricting

Sunday food & exercise:

Treadmill, 45 mins. 2.3 mph

Breakfast: Bowl of Raisin Bran Crunch w/ Silk Vanilla Soy Milk PLUS Fiber

 Lunch with friends: We went to Bojangles.  This is probably my favorite fast-food restaurant to get a healthy meal because they have grilled chicken and lots of veggie choices.  I had Buffalo Bites (grilled spicy chunks of chicken), green beans, a biscuit, and Diet Coke. 

 Dinner: Boiled shrimp, rice, collard greens, reduced-fat ice cream sandwich.

Snacks: Baked tortilla chips w/ fat-free refried beans and salsa, 1 slice White Wheat bread w/ peanut butter, 2 slices White Wheat bread w/ ICBINB light olive oil spread.  Plus a Diet Coke at the movies, and lots of crystal light to drink at home.

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Saturday night, several hours after our “big night out” with friends, I was watching TV in bed.  And I had a craving for something sweet.  My mind went to the reduced fat ice cream sandwiches in the freezer – one of those would be perfect. But my little inner voice wouldn’t let me have it that easily. I spent about 30 minutes telling myself I didn’t need anything, I’d already had a big dinner (even though it was about 5 hours earlier), that I had to stay on track of my “healthy eating” goal, etc.  Then I realized – BULLSHIT!

My inner voice was telling me to DIET again, to deprive myself of a perfectly reasonable food choice just for the sake of restricting calories.

Now let me tell you about the 2 boxes of reduced-fat ice cream sandwiches in my freezer. They were on sale, BOGO, so I bought two. When I was dieting, my mind would have been on those boxes of ice cream sandwiches at all times. I would have obsessed over them, planning how long I’d have to wait until I could have another one, and the next one after that. And since they were low-fat and reduced calorie, I’d work them into my diet to the point where they were substituting for other, healthier foods.  I’d convince myself that calories were the most important, and it was perfectly OK to eat whatever I wanted as long as I stayed below my calorie goal for the day. In other words, “If I skip breakfast, I can have an extra ice cream sandwich for those calories. And who needs that glass of skim milk – I’d rather have an ice cream sandwich!”  And the box of 12 would be gone in 3 days and I’d be disgusted with myself. So I’d start restricting – I wouldn’t allow myself any foods I considered “treats” for a few days.  Until the idea of anything sweet became an obsession.  Then I’d cave and buy low-fat cookies or snack cakes or more ice cream bars, and the cycle would begin all over again.

 Not anymore.  Saturday night I recognized the restrictive behavior starting again, and I quashed it.  I gave myself permission to enjoy an ice cream sandwich without guilt. And once it was gone, I had no thoughts about when my next one would be because it just wasn’t important.  I’d eat the next one when I wanted one, not when I’d planned it out in my food-obsessed day.

And just for the record, I bought those 2 boxes of reduced-fat ice cream sandwiches over a week ago.  So far, I’ve had about 5 – less than 1 per day. Because when I’m not obsessing over food and trying to eat healthy rather than restrict, I don’t think about them unless I have a taste for something sweet.  And that’s how it should be.

Dinner with Friends

Saturday food & exercise:

I skipped the gym today.  I ended up going shopping with my sister – she likes the way I dress her & I have much more patience for scouring the clearance racks for finds.  By the time we were done, there was no time to hit the gym & shower before dinner with friends.

Breakfast: Bowl of Raisin Bran Crunch w/ Silk Vanilla Soymilk PLUS Fiber.  This is my first time trying soymilk with fiber added.  I expected it to taste differently from the regular stuff, but it doesn’t (I’m happy to say).  Since it has 5 grams of fiber per 1 cup serving, I think I’ll start buying it from now on.

Lunch with all the girls of my family (mom, sister & daughter): Chick-Fil-A Spicy Chicken Cool Wrap w/ light Italian Dressing and Diet Coke.  The wrap was also new to me. I’d never tried them before, but I had a coupon to get a free one that was about to expire, so I took the plunge.  It was so-so – probably nothing I’d order again.  I admit to being picky about my salad veggies – I love raw spinach but am not fond of lettuce.  So lunch was a bust and I ended up leaving a lot of it uneaten.

Dinner with friends: We went to a Japanese Steakhouse (their choice, not mine, although my daughter was thrilled).  I ate a few pieces of sushi from a shared platter – 2 pieces California roll, 1 piece each tuna and yellow tail.  Dinner was standard fare – clear soup, salad w/ ginger dressing (I left most of this because it was iceberg lettuce, which I dislike), small amount of hibachi shrimp for an appetizer, onions & zuccini, fried rice, and my entree, hibachi rib-eye w/ mushrooms.

 Snacks: Baked tortilla chips w/ fat free refried beans and salsa – I was starving after my botched lunch and an afternoon of shopping.  I’m also in love with this new salsa I’ve discovered – Peach, Pineapple and Chipotle.  It’s Sam’s Choice brand from WalMart and it’s absolutely delicious with a great sweet-spicy flavor.  It’s also cheap – $1.99 for a big jar. And since it’s full of chunky fruits and veggies, I see no reason why 1/2 cup wouldn’t count as a fruit/veggie serving.  For a late-night snack I had a reduced-fat ice cream sandwich.  Plus Crystal Light, water, and Diet Coke to drink all day. Diet Coke at lunch because I had to buy a large drink to get my free wrap (terms of the coupon). Crystal Light at home. Water with dinner, and more Diet Coke at the bar we went to afterward.  All in all, I drank more Diet Coke and less water/Crystal Light than I would have liked, but it’s not anything I’m going to stress over.

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As I mentioned, my daughter and I went to dinner with friends from out of town.  Joining us were friends of theirs – a woman I’ve known for years as a friendly aquaintance and her 19 year old daughter, whom I’d never met.

I just couldn’t take my eyes off the daughter – she was an absolutely beautiful girl.  And she was also a big girl.  About 5′10″, broad-shouldered, buxom and curvaceous, wearing about a size 16 – 18.  Her general body shape and size reminded me of this year’s AI winner.  

I commented to my friend (not the girl’s mother) about what a stunningly beautiful girl she was.  My friend’s response both surprised and disappointed me.  She said, “Yeah, I always thought she could model if she just lost weight.” 

I responded, “She could be a plus-sized model right now, without changing a thing.”

It was such an offhand remark and I know my friend didn’t mean to be disparaging, but it still made me a little sad.  Here was this gorgeous girl, the picture of health and happiness. Yet she was still being judged for not meeting an ideal that, for her, would be unattainable – being model-thin.

Eating Out

Friday food & exercise:

Treadmill, 30 minutes, 2.3 mph.  I just wasn’t much in the mood to exercise.  For one thing, the gym was hot.  Whenever the skinny little redhead is at the front desk, the thermostat seems to be set much warmer.  Maybe because she doesn’t have an ounce of body fat to keep her warm.  Sounds mean, I know, but seriously – she’s Nicole Richie skinny. 

Breakfast – Bowl of Raisin Bran Crunch w/ Silk Vanilla Soy Milk.

Lunch:  At Doc Greens with a friend.  I had the Dr. Detroit salad, slightly modified  It’s a big spinach salad with croutons, bacon, roasted button mushrooms (I got extra of these since I had them hold the hard-boiled eggs), bleu cheese dressing, and grilled sirloin steak on top.  Plus ice water to drink.  Since the goal is to add more veggies, I’m OK with the fact that this is one of those might-as-well-have-eaten-a-Big-Mac salads. It’s not like I have it very often. 

Dinner: Salmon, collard greens, and broccoli-carrot-cheese rice mix.  Canned “southern seasoned” collard greens are one of my standby veggies. Most of my favorite veggies are really only good when fresh, so they require a lot more prep & cooking. Or they’re seasonal and too damn expensive the rest of the year. The rice mix was a new thing for me – a Knorr Sides Plus. (I had a free coupon.)  The claim on the package is that each serving of the rice also contains a full serving of veggies.  I’m a bit skeptical, but it still seems like a pretty painless way to get more vegetables in. It was reasonably tasty – not any sort of great cuisine, but nothing I’d have to choke down, either.  Dessert was a reduced-fat ice cream sandwich.

Snacks:  Fiber One peanut butter granola bar and a glass of Silk Vanilla Soy Milk.  ‘nother bowl of Raisin Bran Crunch w/vanilla soy milk. 2 slices White Wheat toast w/ ICBINB light olive oil spread. And Crystal Light, all day.

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I love to eat out and do it often.  This week, however, I’ve been eating out every day and that’s not normal even for me. I always eat out more for lunch during the summer – my daughter is home from school, we’re hungry, there’s nothing all that great in the house, etc. Then we have our “normal” weekly eating-out schedule, mainly based on the kids-eat-free or kids-eat-cheap specials.  On Sundays, for example, we usually go to Barbaritos after church because kids eat free on Sundays.  And Tuesday night is Moe’s Southwest Grill because kid’s meals are 99 cents – plus they have a table-side magician we’ve gotten to be friendly with.  Yesterday I had a rescheduled lunch with a friend.  And this weekend, friends are coming into town and we have plans to eat out with them both Saturday dinner and Sunday lunch.  Oh, and Saturday lunch is a standard weekly get-together for my mother and sister.  Sometimes my daughter and I join them, sometimes we don’t.  Today, we will.

Eating healthy while eating out can be difficult.  For me, it’s always been about finding something healthy that tastes good enough to make me forego all the unhealthy (but oh-so-tasty) crap on the menu.   I’m sick of condescending and totally unrealistic magazine articles on “healthy eating in restaurants” tips.  Order salad without dressing.  Blech – I’d just as soon go graze in the backyard.  Order fruit instead of dessert.  Just when was the last time you were in a restaurant that offered an apple on the menu next to the chocolate cake?  My all-time eye-rolling favorite was one I read recently.  A nutritionist said, “If you can’t stop yourself at one or two slices of pizza, do what I do. Just order a big plate of steamed veggies instead!”  Seriously.  I wanted to magically reach through the magazine pages to bitch slap her.   Let’s take this one apart, shall we?  First, I don’t know anyone – except children and possibly my size 2 petite mother – who fills up on 1 or 2 average sized pizza slices.  Next, telling someone that a “big plate of steamed veggies” is an acceptable substitute for pizza is just cracked.  Might as well tell them that a big glass of ice water is every bit as satisfying as a chocolate milkshake. And lastly, when was the last time you were in a pizza joint that offered “a big plate of steamed veggies”??  What I really want to know is, who in hell are these idiots writing these articles, and on what planet are these restaurants located?

Adding Exercise

Thursday food & exercise:

Treadmill, 45 mins. 2.3 mph

Breakfast: Bowl of Maple Brown Sugar Frosted Mini Wheats w/ Silk Vanilla Soy Milk (rather small serving, it was the end of the box).

Lunch: Sushi from the grocery store. Package said “spicy roll combo” but it wasn’t.  3 rolls, 4 pieces each, of tuna/avocado, shrimp/avocado, and eel/avocado.  And a Diet Lemon Tea Snapple.  Damn but lunch was yummy, even if I did have to eat it in my car in between errands.  The avocado is part of my attempt to add more veggies to my diet. Yeah, I know they’re high in fat but it’s the good kind of fat.  I admit to never really liking them much before, but I’m starting to develop an appreciation for them.

Dinner: Tamale Pie (ground turkey, corn, tomatoes, spices, topped with cornbread & cheese).  I’ll gladly post the recipe if anyone is actually reading this and wants it.

 Snacks: Caribou Coffee Northern Lite Vanilla Cooler. Bowl of Raisin Bran Crunch w/ Silk Vanilla Soy Milk.  1 slice White Wheat bread w/ peanut butter.  And, as always, lots of Crystal Light to drink all day long.

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I figured it would be a good idea to actually list the healthy changes I’m trying to make with my life, why, and how I’m doing. 

For now, I’ll just cover the first one:

Get more exercise.  Just get SOME exercise.  Hell, get ANY exercise. 

Because I didn’t.  Not ever.  Not unless it was forced upon me and I had no choice.  And it showed.  Any exertion had me sweating and out of breath – although not so much out of breath as I had been when I was a smoker.  (August 7 will be my 1 year anniversary.)  But it was embarassing that I couldn’t walk uphill without huffing and puffing like a freight train.  So I joined a gym.  I’m still a little in shock over that one, because I’m so not the gym type.  But I found one I really liked because: A. It’s all women. B. They let my 10 year old daughter work out with me for free. C. They have DVD players hooked up to all the cardio machines.  So, being the TV-on-DVD junkie that I am, it became the perfect solution. If I’m going to be watching all these episodes (and I am), I might as well be doing something healthier than sitting on the couch while I watch them.  So I never go to the gym without a DVD in hand – I pop it into the player attached to a treadmill and off I go for a 45 minute (give or take) walk.   I started on June 22, going 1.5 mph.  I’ve been going 5 – 6 days per week since, and have worked up to 2.3 mph.  Still a little old lady speed, but I’m making progress and I’m proud of myself.

Half-assed food & exercise diary

Yes, I’m going to use this blog as a food and exercise diary.  But not in an obsess-over-every-calorie-and-bite-of-food kind of way. 

 A few months ago, I saw an HBO documentary on women with anorexia called “Thin.”  As a fat woman, it was quite eye-opening because many of the behaviors labeled as “disordered eating” are the very same behaviors that fat people are supposed to embrace if they want to lose weight.  One of them is keeping meticulous food diaries, chronicling every bite of food and drop of beverage consumed.   Another is consuming huge quantities of water and other no-cal beverages in order to “temporarily feel full.”  Lastly, my favorite – bring your own “healthy” food to parties and other events.  This particular disordered eating behavior really struck a chord with me.  The show depicted an anorexic women crying over how many holidays she’d ruined for herself by obsessing over the food.  There was everyone else, enjoying their big holiday meal and there she was, eating her carrot and celery sticks out of little plastic baggies because she had to “stay on track.”  

That really pisses me off.  How many times have I engaged in these same fucked-up, food-obsessed behaviors because I was told it was the “right way” to lose weight?   Only now to realize it was psychologically unhealthy because it focused my whole world on food.

 So, when I say I’m going to keep a food and exercise diary, I mean it in a totally non-obsessive way.  No calorie counting, no weighing or measuring (beyond eyeballing it or pre-portioned serving sizes), etc.  Just an at-a-glance record so I can see where I’m falling short – and by falling short, I mean not enough of the good-for-me stuff.   The exercise part is to track my progress so I can actually see the improvements I’m making.   Oh, and commentary, too.

 So, here goes:  (And for the record, I’ll probably start my future entries with yesterday’s “stats” just to get them out of the way.)

 Wednesday food & exercise:

Treadmill, 30 mins, 2.2 mph (getting faster – started at 1.5 mph on June 22)

Breakfast: Bowl of Maple/Brown Sugar Frosted Mini Wheats w/ Silk Vanilla Soy Milk

Lunch: Backyard Burgers Hawaiian Chicken  Sandwich (grilled chicken breast basted w/ teriyaki sauce, topped w/ pineapple slices on bun). Regular sized fries.  Diet Pepsi.  NOTE:  I found out after I ordered that I can sub a baked potato for the fries.  The table next to me had Salsa & Cheese baked potatoes that looked awesome.  I figure even with the cheese they probably come in way under fries in fat content. And I know they’re much higher in fiber if I eat the skin, too. So I’m going to try one next time I eat there.

 Dinner: 1/4 package Healthy Choice Smoked Sausage, about 1 cup collard greens (canned), 1/3 package Veleveeta Shells & Cheese (the 2% variety, made w/ skim milk), w/ 1 can Italian Diced Tomatoes mixed in.  NOTE:  Sometimes serving sizes are realistic, sometimes they’re just some arbitrary bullshit number.  For example, the package of Healthy Choice Smoked Sausage is 14 oz., and says it contains 7 servings.  Who in hell, besides a food-obsessed person, would cut these damn sausages into 7 equal pieces and call each one a full serving??

 Various snacks: 1 Fiber One peanut butter granola bar (these things rock – 9 grams of fiber each and they taste good), 2 slices White Wheat toast w/ ICBINB light olive oil spread, 1 slice White Wheat bread w/ peanut butter.   Plus lots of Crystal Light to drink all day.   

First Day – Background

OK, this isn’t really my first day at trying to eat and live healthy – it’s just my first day writing about it.  But we have to go back a bit before that to gain some perspective, so here goes:

 I’m 39, just about a month shy from 40, and I’m a fat woman. I was a fat child, a fat adolescent, and have been a fat adult for about 90% of my adult life.  The 10% representing “the thin years” only came about because I either purposely starved myself (800 calories a day) or because I was in such an unhappy, unhealthy, volatile and chaotic relationship that I couldn’t eat.  Neither weight-loss strategy, by the way, is recommended.   However, both – along with years of yo-yo dieting- contributed to the fucked-up, slower-than-a-tree-sloth metabolism that I have today.

However, even with the crappy metabolism and the genetic hand I was dealt, I had to be honest with myself.  If I wasn’t starving myself, I was giving in to some horrible health and dietary habits.  It’s not that I overate all the time – I didn’t – but I tended to eat a lot of unhealthy crap.  I drank almost nothing but soda (most of it diet, but still). Literally days could go by without a single fruit or vegetable passing my lips – unless you counted french fries. I never exercised. So, for the first time in my life, I decided I was going to get healthy.  Not thin, healthy.  Thin, for me, is never going to be attainable and sustainable – genetics and the above-mentioned tree-sloth metabolism have already decided that for me.  But between eating crap and never exercising, and starving myself while obsessing over food, there has to be a happy medium.  For me, that’s being the healthiest I can be, while accepting that I’m always going to be a fat woman.  So that’s what this is – Finding My Happy Medium.

 In this blog I’ll talk about food, exercise, fat acceptance, the fat experience, life, love, motherhood, pop culture, and whatever I happen to be thinking and feeling at the time.   But first and foremost, this will be about my efforts to become a healthier human.